It's finally snowing enought to feel like winter is here. I was getting weird for a while there.

Anyway, I have been super busy lately. I am doing a lot of writing, working some things out with Jesse and just being a busy mom. I also have to do a lot of work on myself. I just don't feel all that happy lately.

I have been feeling a little sad and unmodivated about all sorts of things. I didn't realize that I was getting so lost in my own created sorrows. It just didn't feel like it because I am so busy all the time. I couldn't answer my own questions and I had no clue why I was feeling the way I did half the time.

I was mad at Jesse off an on. We were starting to argue every day and I just felt so pissed off constantly. I wanted him to be perfect, I wanted him to make up for something that I was lacking to give myself. I do that from time to time, when I forget who I am.

I was lying down on the bed a few nights ago. My body started to feel weird as I thought about how sad I felt but I had no answers to why. My head started to race about how I hated that I lost myself, that's when it all hit me. What did I lose?

My skin itched with a slight tickle as I started talking to Jesse about how I have such a hard time trusting and feeling in control. I try to control every situation in my head lately. Then I felt a panic, a scared panic. I told him my body felt like soft tissue and inside everything was buzzing with energy and there were specific spots that are just like ticking time bombs. Sometime those energies are going to get crossed and something is going to go off. I will make my self sick this way or I will just fall into something darker and deeper.

I said I was sorry for all the fighting. I was sorry for how I seemed to make life impossible for both of us. I wanted to just scream it, because I was so fed up with how I was being and not even recognizing it until then.

Why can't I just let things be? I think I do it because I lack so much time lately and then what is around me will have to make up for it. I wasn't talking to Jesse unless he gave me a sense of me, but how could he. Only I could do that. I wanted him to feel the impossible, feel what I wished I could feel, think how I think and give me a small bit of what I wanted to be. I miss myself so much. I miss my hours alone, creating and do what I do best.

So after I apologized I explained to him that I would be struggling to get myself back to just accepting how life is at the moment. Accepting that I have to put even him off on hold to make myself happy all over again, to reacquaint myself with myself or else I will not be able to treat myself or him properly, as I was doing before.

I put so much of me on hold when I started having kids. I was fine with it but then I would start wanting Jesse to fill in for so much I felt I was missing out on from time to time. Lately I started doing it all the time, especially after Mael was born. There was very little time just for me. I put anything extra into Jesse but I was making our time, my time, how I wanted to spend it alone.

I was happy with everything else and I still am, but my relationship was kind of messy for a while. We were starting to argue a lot even when my mom found out about the eloping and made us do the marriage thing properly. A week before and every a few days before we weren't quite getting along. Two days after we argued.

I argued.

So things have been a roller coaster. Ups and downs. I am content when I just let things be, but when the issues I had popped up, I became impossible. I feel horrible now.

At least I realized what the hell I was doing and now things are great again. I get to spend a lot of time the way I need to and writing my stories are thriving now.

My energy was all in the wrong place.