Hearing: Tiamat - Whores of Babylon

Well my all night painting plan didn't work. I couldn't stay up any later than 4am. I'm not going to even bother trying that again. I wasn't able to wake up the next day and felt like crap when I finally did.

I am going to paint in a little bit and I will only do it for an hour or two then go to bed. I can't sleep in tomorrow, I have too much to do, shopping, appointment with my dentist (again), and Jesse's taking me out for supper at my favorite bistro.

Jesse and I want to have a Solstice party. We'll see what happens with that though.

We're going to do more shopping for our parents and his sisters and my younger brother. I think I'll just get everyone something from the art gallery gift shop and the local new age shops. If I don't know what to get them, I may as well get them something pretty.

We also finish up the last of the eloping plans tomorrow.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and felt scared and almost woke up Jesse to cancel.

I'm crazy.

But...

I didn't cancel anything. I managed to make myself think clearly so I could keep on with my mission.

I don't know why committing to a person makes me so deathly afraid. I can commit to my children, myself and my goals, but I've always had trouble with other people. When things first got serious with Jesse in the beginning I almost ran off without saying good-bye. Usually after the first month with a person I end it and I tried with Jesse after the second month for no reason really besides me thinking I would lose my free spirit. He wouldn't have it though, he followed me and loved me. He's a keeper. He lets me be as free as I need to and he just understands my soul.