Hearing: Arch Enemy

Went to Meihuazhuang last night. Not long after I got home Jesse left to his friends house and didn't get home until almost 3am. I can't imagine how tired he must be at work right now. At least he has the rest of the week off.

I felt high last night. I was happy and serene. As soon as I started to get tired, that all changed. I couldn't stop thinking about the negative world we live it, the constant change, the ongoing wars and all the innocent victims of so many different crimes. Everywhere are images that scare a person, You see it on t.v, read about it in the paper, it's everywhere.

I was left with an uneasy feeling after. I guess it just triggered some darker thoughts. I had a period of my life where I lost control of everything within. I was so scared of everything and when I say scared, I mean I was really deathly afraid. I felt so lost and I didn't realize what I was going through was post-traumatic stress. I almost killed myself then, I couldn't handle life, everything was something to worry about. It was like I lost all trust in life.

I just had a small similar feeling last night. I felt that icy coldness that swims through the body, that feeling that makes you seem like a ghost, it really does. I swear when I have dark moments like that, that I am disappearing slowly, no longer grounded to the earth because my mind is so far off. I feel the breeze, like there is a cold winter growing under the skin and it leaves me feeling lonely, distant and my mind struggles to regain itself.

I am prone to extreme worrying, which in turn causes me some scary anxiety and panic attacks. I almost went crazy at one point. I got over it but it was so weird to have a slight feeling of it last night. Jesse massaged my back while I told him about the feelings that brought this on, he did this until I was sleepy.

I used to be so paranoid as a child. I would be wandering around the house in the middle of the night while the rest of my family slept and I would make sure the doors were locked and that there was nothing that could burn the house down. I am still like that actually. I wake to the slightest noise in the house and investigate it. Jesse gets so annoyed.

It's when one of my biggest fears happens that just sends me overboard.

I've been doing so much over the years for myself and I am doing really good at overcoming it.

I used to get high in high school and you can imagine what was going on through my head sometimes. That phase didn't last long at all. Drugs don't mix with me one bit.