Music: The White Stripes

The beautiful boy is out and i'm here alone with a set of headphones living in bliss, singing my heart out, hearing my own voice and loving it.

"If you come closer, i'll show you how it feels..."

Jesse's, the beautiful boy's website has now become the new official Into Eternity site.

I had a really freaky nightmare last night. I dreamt I had a baby and basically killed it. It was horrible and awful and I cried when I woke up. I felt sick inside and I really felt disturbed. It took me a while to fall back to sleep and I still feel odd about having that dream. I will write it down and analyze it before bed. It sure freaked the shit out of me though, it was so graphic and horrid. I never ever want to dream something like that ever again.

I went to bed asking my subconcious what I could do to for myself that I need, because I don't feel modivated about my work right now. I always do this and as kooky as it sounds, it usually works. I have very symbolic dreams and my mom even calls me "a dreamer", meaning i'm intuitive through dreams. I feel the dream kind of symbolizes self destruction because babies are a sign of new beginnings and if I killed this baby maybe it meant that it's me who did this and it's me that suffered, in the dream of course, because after the killing happened I was crying and I lost my mind because I didn't know why I did it.

Oh wait...it's seriously coming back to me. I guess i'll type it now while it's fresh.

In the dream Jesse died and I thought if I lost him then the baby had to die also and now I can totally relate the two. I feel that he has to change with me in life, like if i'm going through something then something more prominent should happen with him involved and by killing the baby I was killing that pathway to do it on my own. I do feel that way, I hold myself back because I feel afraid of doing things all on my own. Before we had our kids he had so much time to just be by my side and while I was doing things to be successful on my part he was there, and when he was doing the same for his future and dreams, I was there. I guess I am lagging my plans because I am completely on my own. I know this shouldn't be a problem but I am just used to the support, the pushing.

Why can't I push myself. What am I afraid of?

I remember hearing my mom on the phone once with a police officer that I was supposed to be interviewed by. She was explaining to the officer how I am an introvert and if I am to do things beyond my own world I will need probing and i'll need to be pushed forward.

This is very true about me. I can do what is needed, but when it's dealing with something that opens myself up around others, I feel so naked and fragile.

It's ironic I seem so agressive and bitchy to people on the outside. I've been in the same room with so many new people and after they get to know me they always tell me I look either snobby or really self- confident. Well, I know how to stand up for myself. I can win arguements no problem and I can physically take care of myself. From a very young age I had my dad teach me to box, I was so driven to be able to be able to take care of myself that I would spend hours a day working out, I spent years boxing and kickboxing.

Yet, there's something about exposing myself that makes me scared. I even have a few online diaries and I am not quite scared of doing it really, yet when I think of myself being a published writer someday, it freaks me out. I am afraid to succeed.

Why am I afraid to know how far I can go? I don't know.

I have a lot to think about.

I need to get over this because I have a really great opportunity coming up for my art. I don't need anyone telling me I can do this because I'm good enough, I know i'm good at what I do. I am just afraid of success. Jesse just got me a new laptop so I can write my stories in my bedroom or take it downstairs for easy access when the kids are playing or watching a movie. He's trying so hard to get me to complete something. I love him for it and I know I must frustrate him. He reads my stories with such interest while he does my editing. He pushes me so much to succeed, yet I only let myself go so far.

Yes. So much to think about.

I have to stop stopping myself.

Beautiful night.