Hearing: Katatonia - Discouraged Ones

I got some mad munchies.

I spent my evening painting and have completed painting No. 10 for my calendar. I always wanted to do a calendar. I always buy calendars with art on it, it's just nicer to look at. Right now I have a calender with art by Monet.

Jesse's family was supposed to come over today. I was surprised to hear that. My kids are scared of his family, they don't really know them well and you know what, these people live in the same damn city as us. My dad and siblings all live (4-8)hours away from us and my kids see them twice as much, they even know there names and ask about them. I think it has something to do with me personally, his sister is always asking if I hate her. I don't hate her, I just don't have anything in common with her so when she's around I honestly don't have a lot to say to her. I don't get it. It's their loss if they don't get to form a good relationship with the kids I guess.

So they didn't stop by, which was kinda nice. Maybe i'm just too much of a big baby but I only like it when my famiy is here. I don't mind friends either, but when Jesse's family is here, I just don't feel comfortable. I do try to make a big effort but things just seems to awkward at times.

Oh well.

I've been listening to music all night that just takes me back to a very specific time in my life. I don' know why, but it just seems everything I pick out is what I was listening to at a specific time in my life.

I keep getting flash backs and old feelings. The main music I was listening to at that time was Lacuna Coil's first EP, Katatonia's Discouraged Ones and Tori Amos' Chiorgirl Hotel. I listened to alot of other music, but those specific albums just have an emotional bond to me. I left this city and moved 8 hours away with Jesse and we lived in my dad's basement, we had a lot of fun, and I mean A LOT! I was only 18 and experienced so much around that time. I was going to school for my art, drinking way too much(we had a bar in our house and it just happened to be right next to my room) and I was physically inseperable from Jesse. We always had money so we were always doing things.

My parents split up not too long before all that so they were both starting to date other people. My parents thought it was alright to leave me alone with my three younger siblings and that really started to get to me. I started to feel really alone and burdened for the new reponsiblility I had taken on. Then Jesse betrayed my trust when he left for a week to get the rest of his stuff.

I don't think I ever talked about it much in this diary. I think now is a good time to just because of what I felt all over again today. I didn't feel hurt or angry, but just reminded and that I am past it, it doesn't bother me anymore really.

Anyway, while I was going though all that shit with my parents disappearing all the time to go on trips and what not with their new mates, I was starting to feel afraid and worried all the time. Jesse had to go get his stuff. The day before he was to leave, I was laying in bed, listening to music with my eyes closed, so I guess I appeared to be sleeping. He quietly grabbed the cordless phone and went to the bathroom. I heard him talking quietly and then he walked out still talking in a whisper. He was making plans to see someone, then hung up and layed back down and didn't say anything. I didn't think anything of it at the time.

Later on I was going though the numbers on the phone to see if my mom or dad had called, then I seen the number he dialed last. It was his ex-girlfriend. I was confused because he said he hated this girl, hated her so much he never wanted to see her again and hated her enough to say really mean stuff about her, but again didn't think anything of it.

While he was gone, he called me once and that was it.

He got back and we instantly started fooling around. I think I was on top of him and I started talking about how he danced like an idiot because we once went to a bar and I got him really drunk and made him dance(note: I have not seen anything so scary), we were cracking up laughing then he went on to say how his ex-girlfriend even tried to make him dance at that bar during the week and he wouldn' do it. He then said "Oops" when I said looked serious all of a sudden.

I was a little shocked and asked him why he was hanging out with her when he said he hated her before, then at that moment it clicked that's who he was whipering to in the bathroom. Now, I really don't care about ex-girlfriends, I even hung out with another one of his without problems. I liked her actually. What pissed me off what how he was all sneaky about it. I felt so hurt, so fucking torn up all of a sudden because he was the ONLY person I ever loved, let close to me and who I believe was the greatest guy in the world, and that we were soul mates. I just kind of got off of him and sat there and asked him why he was so sneaky and why he didn't call me besides that one 10 minute phone call. He said he just didn't think I would like it if he was around her.

I just glared at him. I was fuming by that point. What? If you didn't think I would like it, then why hang out with her? First of all, he didn't even ask me if I would mind or not, which I didn't and if he would have been decent enough and considerate enough then he would know that it would be okay and we wouldn't have been in the mess.

He lied. It took me a few years to get that trust back. I was always upset after that, we started fighting so much and I was so angry at my parents for leaving me. I was always crying, drinking and I even dropped out of art school. It was stupid, but I had to do it at the time. I couldn't focus. I chopped off all of my hair, something I only did once before when I wanted to kill myself at 16. I guess cutting my hair was a ritual of hurt.(not anymore though)

I decided to move back here to be near friends when my mom decided she was taking the kids with her to B.C. I moved in with Jesse again and things weren't any better. I absolutely trust he wouldn't fuck anyone else, but I do know he would keep it hidden because he seems to have problems with people being friends with their ex's. When we first started going out, I was hanging out with three of my ex-boyfriends and he kept it a big secret that he hated that and he thought that I would probably feel the same way. Hi had screwed up double standards.

So we got through our trust issues, but while I was living in my dad's house and going through all of that, I just felt comforted by music. I went through a shit load and I don't think I ever realized how much emotional turmoil I felt then until now.

All that really branched off into different things. Even though I hated Jesse for his mistake, I clung to him to feel safe. I was a co-dependant mess for a freakn year when I was being a mommy to my siblings. When I was 19 I started seeing my therapist and dealing with the whole issues I gained and slowly started getting over everything.

About two years ago I started to become my old self again, espcially after I dated this guy, who was really smothering and always needing me there. I learned so much from that short relationship and it helped me even more to become independant by gaining more appreciation for needing only myself. I think when Jesse and I had to slit up, it helped. I was really different when we got back together. I am back to loving my space and freedom. I think appreciated it a little too much because I tend to push him away now and feel he's the one who is smothering at times.

I have changed so much. I have the independance back I had before Jesse and I moved in together, plus I learned a lot going through other things. I feel better about so many things. I'm much happier.

This entry is just too long now. Not a bad thing, but my butt is hurting from sitting here too long.

Old school is such a funny movie. Just had to share that opinion.

Beautiful night.

P.S. Excuse any errors.