Hearing: Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata

Sometimes I really don't feel like I belong in this world. I feel cursed and so torn inside. It's not because i'm depressed. I'm not unhappy with myself of my image or what I don't have. I'm completely happy with everything I have and I made due with what I have, I make the best of it. I just simply don't like the world around, not because i'm bitter but because I feel I don't belong in this time period.

It's really lonely to feel like this.

I don't seek out company though, or I don't feel I need a companion for the rest of my life. I just know i'll never feel understood and fully apart of everything beyond my surroundings at this time in my life.

Maybe most people feel this way but because they feel alone and misunderstood they don't seek out anything or anyone. They don't look for something to relate to because what can it do really.

Jesse thinks it's because i'm just an artist and he feels all artists feel so ripped apart internally.

Screw him.

That made me an artist, not the other way around.

Still, I know I have to find a sense of peace in this world beyond what I made comfortable around me. I tend to avoid everything lately, and I always kind of have but I never really made a big deal out of it until now.

I'm so sensitive about everything it's not even funny. I don't feel comfortable walking around the busy shopping malls and paying $10 to see a movie in the theatre when I look around at things and know there are such horrors going on in the world, starving people and children who don't live to see beyond a mere suffering few years of their lives.

I need to find a meaning I can be comfortable with, I need to find a way to live along side the rest of the population without feeling so disgusted about everything and everyone that seems to be so ignorant and oblivious to what's going on beyond them.

I didn't expect my life to just turn around like this, I didn't really know what I was going to do or what to expect, but in a way I kind of thought I would just be like everyone else.

I am not ignorant anymore and I will never be again. I was to co-exsist among everyone else yet not fall into the same patterns that make everyone lost and live to make money and just be comfortable in their homes, completely ignoring life beyond that.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not bitter or a raving hippie(not yet anyway), I still enjoy myself and do my part to recycle and use non-chemical products and not drive all over the place, but it's getting to be a bit much to hear what our environment is coming to and to always hear about sadness and depression amongst so many people.

Who knows, I probably don't even know what i'm talking about most of the time. It seems a bit much to talk about to people, I find it bores most people even. In any case, I just can't live anymore with all the information that I do know. I just feel I have to do something, no matter how small my part may be.

I have to feel happy once again about this world, it's apart of growing as a person.

I think my family thinks i'm becoming to caught up in everything. I don't think so though, I just want to live trying to do my share, to be grateful and to still fulfil my goals.

Sorry if I was boring, but this is an important issue to me.

It would be so perfect if I could find a nice dark area filled with trees. I want to have a bridge I can sit on and stare down on a darkened ground, littered with leaves and hear nothing but the wind and leaves rattling so gracefully and softly. It would be nice to sit with someone and just talk until the dawn whle smelling the fresh moist air.