Black Sabbath

It is cold and rainy here. Fall has finally struck and I feel heavenly. The house is cozy warm, i'm happy with the change in seasons and I just overall feel better about things.

I went out with Jessica and Liz last night, came home, ordered some late night pizza and watched music video's all night. I was so tired last night I could have slept on a cold floor and not have cared.

The night before was awful. I felt so utterly depressed, I could only think of dying as a way to stop my mad thoughts. I cried, I felt alone, so I called my mother at 7am. She talked to me for over and hour and made me see things in a whole new way. She made sense and she made me feel almost 100% better. I admire my mother, she is a genius and is such a strong person mentally, the only bad thing about her is she can be a little too honest and she'll always tell you like it is, even if it hurts.

Sometimes I get to thinking that I want to be as good of a mother as she has been so far, then I start to feel like i'll never have patience and dedication to even compare. I try though, but I know I can try harder. I feel as though I am a bad parent for feeling sad, but I don't know what is with me, I just can't focus and I can't relax. I am overwhelmed by everything.

Four more days until my surgery. I'm a little nervous, but looking forward to feeling good again.

I wrote this on a post it a few days ago. The post it is still on the computer desk.

In your dreams. Scary, dark and alone. Silent faceless monsters. Blood, murder and fear. Frantic thoughts and panic to know that i'll never wake up.

I wrote that a few hours before I called my mom sobbing. I also wrote the word BROKEN over and over, like it's the only word my brain was thinking. I don't really understand what is with me lately.

I feel better though and I'm feeling sweet and in love, just because fall has come.