Borknagar

Okay, so I did a lot of thinking all day. I was really mad last night, and I was also really drunk and acting selfish.

I love Jesse and I will do anything to keep him, even if that means surrendering myself over to trusting the mellow flow that goes with love. I hate when things change and I blame that on going through so many changes, not because I couldn't control them, but just because there were so many of them and it was so overwhelming to me, like I could not grasp onto anything just to take a breath.

I have a favorite quote and yet i've been living like a hypocrite and not following it just out of pure stubborness. I know loving is being able to accept anything and not having any expectations, it's a process that needs to be worked out and compramised. I just havn't practiced this enough, that is why I never feel as though i'm ready for a relationship.

Jesse is open to anything, but I do make things insane for him to accomplish and I feel stupid for being such a bitch. I know I would hate if someone was having these problems with me, I would feel as though they couldn't love me for who I am and I do love him for who he is. He is everything to me, it really doesn't have anything to do with him, it's my refusal to change, just because I need to be in control all the time. I'm very dominating. I was raised this way, both my parents are the same way and it's all I ever knew and experienced within my family.

Anyway, I need to clean up Ailah's mess, there are toys and spilled cheerios all over the living room floor. I'll probably be painting tonight, even if Megan and Brandon come over tonight...well maybe not, I spend too much time alone creating, then I hate that I feel so alone....see, I just can't make it easy on myself.

Oh yes, i'm also dying my hair black with blood red streaks tonight, the purple is already fading out of my hair and it's looking like a light brown mess with strange light purplish hints in my hair which I don't think look good in any way.