Listening to: the weather network

I just watched The Man Who Cried. I really liked that movie. It was different.

Today was really hot. We kept it cool in the house and stayed indoors for most of the day. We went out and bought some awsome trendy silverwear because strangely, ours is slowly going missing. I've even had some strange stuff appear and I have no clue where they came from.

We had a small little thunderstorm here not long ago. So small I feel cheated. There was a little lightening, huge winds, some rain, then nothing. I love storms and I wish there were more of them. A few weeks ago we had a nice one. It was scary, everything turned black and the winds were strong and it rained hard. Then of course, that didn't last long either.

I'm starting to feel insane in a miserable kind of way. I want the impossible, I want to live out my dreams. Usually I like keeping my dreams to myself, but i'm really wanting to let my senses get a taste of them. It's hard to hold it it, it's like holding in your pain and torment. I feel panicked that I have to hold back so much, panicked that I have to be a good girl, a quiet girl.

Lack of creative expression is the cause for my bitterness. Art truely is a savior, a great way to be yourself.

FUCK.

I can't take this anymore. I am being so stupid, so selfish. I want things back how they used to be at times, but what good does it do to sit and think of other ways just because i'm fucking frustrated with things in my life. I feel so guilty that I can't just focus completely with all I have going on in my life, like I have to complicate it more just to be happy. I'm exhausted already, i'm worn and tired.

I'm wearing Jesse's overly worn in Nine Inch Nails tee right now. It's cozy, I want to wear it until there is nothing left of it. I want to lay in bed and run my fingers through his long hair, trace his eyebrows with my finger tips and caress my lips against his.

My dad called me from Las Vegas. His second favorite city. I've only been there once. We both love Seattle. We both love the ocean. I miss living in B.C. I miss my dad. He's coming here on the weekend. I think he's bringing my younger siblings. The two biggest stresses in his life. Julia and Will. They'll be 18 and 19 this fall. You would think they would quite acting like careless brats by now. I miss them though. I really hope they come.

Gian is asleep in his swing, he was just laughing his little heart out a few seconds ago. I love hearing his little voice and his little coo's and seeing the big smile on his face when he sees me. I tried calling him by his middle name, but I can't do it, plus Ailah is saying his name now, so there is no use anymore. I love his name anyway.