Zyklon - World ov Wormz

It's so fucking hot here. I hate it. Everytime my body feels the humid heat creeping up, it grows so heavy, so weak. I get miserable, withdrawn and annoyed easily. I didn't let it effect others that were around me though, not one bit. I don't think it's fair.

Last night was a bad night. I was filled with annoying cramps, Jesse's mouth was hurting so bad, he had to go to the emergency room. We were both tired, amd he was letting things get to him. He wasn't taking it out on anyone, but he was not being very nice about anything. Although when he got back around 1:30 am, he was feeling much better. It's wierd, this whole week has been so awful that we were very distant. Not distant in a fighting way, but distant in a way where your so filled with misery you don't even notice the other person around you.

He felt like a stranger when we finally got some moments in that were finally pleasant. We talked a lot last night, something we havn't done in almost a week. He asked me what my favorite time together was. I asked him to tell me first and he did.

We were broken up last summer for just over a month, he even moved out for a bit and during that time I became friends with this guy and we started dating. I liked the guy as a friend, but he kept pushing being together so I agreed to be his girlfriend. We didn't do anything together really, I never even seen how he looked without a shirt, that's how unsexual the relationship was. The guy did become severly paranoid and controlling. He had issues and I was not ready to deal with that, plus deal with the fact I didn't really want to be with him in that way in the first place.

I started seeing Jesse again, without saying anything to the guy, since he wouldn't fucking give me a few mintues to even breathe or get the hint I wanted to end it completely. He would call 24/7, constantly say he loved me, constantly ask me, and I mean over and over like a fucking broken record in a single conversation, how I felt about him. It wasn't a fun thing anymore. I just wanted someone to talk to and someone to hang out with, a basic friendship. He couldn't deal. He even wanted to come before my daughter.

I became closer with Jesse after having to go through this guy's shit. I would go to Jesse's to talk about what a mistake I made by not being myself and keeping it a friendship. He was there for me and I realized how much Jesse meant to me. I realized he gave me all the freedom in the world, I could talk about anything, unlike I could with the other guy. He would become jelous and sulky if I even talked about another guy. I can't be with someone that mental, seriously. Most of my favorite friends and closest friends were all guys and I wasn't about to change to make him feel alright, because it's unhealthy to be that way.

I like having freedom, complete honesty and openess without having someone feel threatened by it. Jesse would let me talk and do what I wanted as long as it never went over the line, and vice versa. So while I was trying to break it off with this other guy, Jesse and I started sleeping together again. It was getting scary because the other guy became stalker-like and Jesse was my rescuer.

I didn't know Jesse wanted me back so badly, although I should have guessed it, I wanted him back the whole time. I wasn't clear on that and neither was he. We both learned a valuable lesson by going through that,and how important it is to tell each other exactly how we feel.

So during that whole time that Jesse and I were getting back together and hiding out from the stalker, and coming together in a whole different way, really was his favorite memory because he thought he was almost losing me just because I wasn't clear on my feelings. Today he said he will never lose me again, never ever let me go and that he will do what it takes to keep me. That meant so much to me, it really lets me see exactly how much he feels about me.

My favorite memory is still the first day we met. I will never forget any of it because it was so thrilling meeting someone that was so perfect for me in every way, so like me and so amazingly beautiful. I was on a high the whole day, every moment is burned into my memory like a photo.

Ailah also doesn't like us showing affection for one another anymore. She thinks all love is saved for her. I leaned down to kiss Jesse and she screamed, asked us what we were doing and tried pushing us apart, then tried getting us to give her a kiss. It was cute, because she doesn't understand it yet that other people are there own people too, she wants everyone to herself.