It really feels better to be back at this diary. I could spend hours reading diaries here and most of my favorite diaries are located here also. I just can't completely leave this place alone.

Anyway, I'm still working on the layout. I barely have time though. Things have been so busy here at home and well I just feel like i'm falling apart at times.

I am so torn these days and sometimes I wonder if I cause it all myself. I know it doesn't have to be this way but I don't know how to find my happiness within me.

I am still with Jesse, and it seems I always will be, even if we are not an actual couple. We have such an odd relationship, I Love it, yet I Hate it. I love the freedom he gives me and how understanding he is for my wanting to not be able to be tied down. I can talk to him like he's a guy friend. We are attracted to the same kind of people and one of the funner things that we do is talk about which guy is hot or which girl is and then we go into talking about needs we want and why we like things about people.

He is happy with where his position is in this relationship, yet i'm not and he knows this. I just want something more, something different. Something not him. Maybe I need another artist, male or female, I do not know.

It's tearing me up inside because I don't know what the hell I want anyway. I just need to feel something new.

I dream about this all the time, which I know most people find odd because I'm still with Jesse. Maybe I should just give it up and let myself become absorbed in art and writing so I forget it all.

I'm just sick of writing about what I can't have, yet people need to have a dream world as much as they need reality and I don't like it one bit right now.