My diary here is always going to be a lot more private. I have my livejournal which I love but it's more general and my mom and sisters read it and anyone can basically. I don't know who reads this and sometimes I feel paranoid because I still hold back so often. People from my past are always finding me and they are usually people I want nothing to do with anymore just because I've moved on. I know I talk about locking up here and there and I still think about it as I am now. I may leave it, as usual but I also may not. It's just one of those time again.

Life has been so busy lately. There is all that I do at home, being an artist and a mom. Both leave me without much of an outside social life at all because I'm required to be here so often, but that's not what really bothers me. I feel all the art will be on hold for so long or I'll have to sacrafice Jesse to be happy.

I'm one of those people who are very content when alone. I'm a million times happier when alone and creating than I am in the company of another person, no matter how great of a time we are having. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to practically forget about Jesse for the next month or two.

I'm stressed and I really need to be happy and I am the only person that can do that. If I put my art on hold and try keep everything on the family side completely normal I will go insane. I just cannot do that. I've tried it and it wasn't nice, I was miserable.

I will have to sit Jesse down and tell him that we are going to have to just co-exsist as parents for the time being. This is so important since I'm having some major things happening with my son then all the appointments I will have to go through until everything is figured out with this next baby. (I'll probably get into all this specific stuff another time)

It's hard right now and I just hope I can keep my sanity for the next month or so.