Music: This Mortal Coil

So much to contemplate tonight. I looked back at some old journals ( you know, the little paper book things) and I came to realize how much I grow mentally. I get through so much shit, I really do. I don't take medication (even if I wanted to several times) and I don't do anything to drown out any sort of problem (drinking, drugs,etc). I suffer through it, through an intense period of time. I want to lose my mind in the process but I get through it. I go through a few months to a year long of hell when something major comes up but I fight and learn and grow. It's the only way to do it. I don't want to be having an issue to work out for a decade or the rest of my life.

Of course there is still stuff to deal with, but it's all smaller stuff, stuff I know I can take on. I'm not afraid. No one can get anywhere with saying they will do good things for themselves when in all honesty, they are selfish, selfish as in it's not really good for your soul, it's just a mask. I've tried that and I'm not going to beat myself up anymore over many failed attemps because quick fix-its aren't making life better.

I used to do that so often. I always felt so lopsided and when I look back, I spent a few years strait of dealing with repetitive emotionl problems. It's always about dependancy. I know it all stemmed from some major changes that were almost traumatic because of how big the changes were, and from there I just kind of lost control and clung to anything/anyone that would become a comfort zone for me. I was always so afraid of me, facing my demons and finding my drive to accomplish all my goals.

Being afraid is a bad BAD thing. It consumes you and takes over you and it really does make any new beginnings in your life about that fear. I read this once, "Your fears could be self-fulfilling in a negative way". I can't remember the rest of it unfortunately.

My only New Year's resolution was to basically keep doing what I'm doing and when something is finished, it'll be finished for good and I'll keep moving on.

I'm grateful for everything I have. I will cherish everyone as an individual. The greatest lesson I learned this past year was everyone has their own unique experience, honour that because everyone is meant to go through what they have in their life, including ourselves. I had so many issues with my past, quite often I would judge another person for theirs. It's like if you feel tainted, then the whole world does. It was about time I opened my eyes and learned uncondional love, being a mother also helped me do this over the past three years but it pushed me into the right direction with all relationships with people I love.

I'm grateful for becoming a mother. I'm quite young for having two kids and they were both planned basically because for me, it was intuition. They are the best thing to happen to me, I can love nothing greater than I love them. The thought of them puts a smile on my face and great warmth just fills me.

Being a mother has deffinately been an experience. Crazy sleepless nights, forgetting to shower some days and you don't have to second guess their feelings for you, not even for a second. You can read a child's eyes so easily. When they come for a hug, their eyes radiate their emotion and love and you just have to glance at them for a moment to feel it all. It's amazing.

They've pushed me further than I thought I could ever go in so many ways. It's hard work but it's worth every second of it.

Hmm...I am VERY grateful I get to do art for a living because creative expression is the one thing that keeps me being me.

It's still strange some days to just be grateful for everyting you have, like life is perfect. Maybe the world isn't but I'm sure happy with everything and everyone around me. I'm completely different than I was when I first started writing in this, which was almost four years ago.

Wow. I just realized how long I've been writing in this thing.

Anyway, enough of my deep thoughts. I need to be able to wake up in the morning.

Beautiful night to you all..