I'm on a break. Working all the time makes me feel like a very lazy person. I spend so much time in one spot trying to get the images in my head onto the paper that I lose track of everything around me. I can't have any disruptions at all.

I had an awful night last night. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do about it.

I lost it for a while there. I was writing in my paper journal trying to get some feelings out so I could later release them through art, when Jesse came in the room. We started talking about our Christmas plans because we were invited up to Jasper Alberta. We thought it would be a great place to get married, then he realized he won't be getting his holidays until after New Years. I was relieved because I was getting nervous thinking about the whole things. Being away from home, feeling taken out of my safe space.

Since I was a child I have had problems with feeling like I am not safe. It comes and goes but lately it's getting worse. I never used to be so bad. If I don't feel safe or don't feel comfortable I have a panic attack, which are the worst things in the world. You can't breath, you feel like your going crazy, your heart races and you just lose it. They last for a few hours when I get a full blown one and I've wanted to kill myself to end it because they are that awful, every negative feeling and fear comes up and just consumes you.

When I was little I remember having them at odd times, not very often but I would still get them. It would take my parents hours to calm me down. If I can't calm down quick enough, then they make me crazy for a while.

When I was around eight we went on a family trip and I started feeling claustrophobic being in our van for so long. I started hyperventilating and mumbling nonsense. When I was given a drink I spit it out thinking there were razors in it. When I was offered food I thought there were maggots in it. I started thinking everything was going to kill me and my parents had to stop and pull over to get some air. I paced for 20 mintures while making strange mumbling noises. As soon as my heart started to slow down all that went away. I felt fine like it didn't happen. I was just very tired. That was the first worst attack ever.

The second time I had to be held onto a bed. I knew what caused it, it was from moving. I felt so detached and strange. That attack lasted almost three hours and after it happened I slept for over 12 hours. That happened while I was 17.

When I was 19 I had another and I had them daily to monthly for a year. I think they got worse because of the fact that I was so scared to have them that I would panic at the slightest bit of anxiety. I became an agoraphobic and I still am. I don't get the big attacks anymore and haven't for three years but I still fear getting into a situation where I will.

I basically got angry last night that I would even think of being scared of this trip because I "might" have an attack so far away from home. I cried because I do not like feeling like death is the only thing that seems sweet compared to it. I have experienced nothing worse in my life than a panic attack. Sometimes I think that I would rather have another 13 hours of labour or my gallstones back if I didn't ever have to have another attack.

I do control them but now I have a phobia of them. I avoid them like I used to avoid crowded places and heights.

I am deffinately getting back into councelling. If, in the long run I have to go on meds for this then so be it. I can't see me easily overcoming it because nothing is worse in my eyes. I'm not afraid to die, I'm just afraid of that crazy feeling where you lose all control of your body.

I even cut myself on the leg last night. This is probably the second time this year I have done this in almost six years. I didn't do it to numb out pain, I did it to stop my angry thoughts, thoughts that made me feel so hopeless that I could not overcome this. I slept after.

Now I feel I need to talk to my mother. This fear is consuming me even though I don't actually have attacks anymore. It's just lately I want to stay where it's safe and I won't travel. Why it's just the travelling part I don't know. I go all over in the city and do things but leaving the city freaks me out, which is odd considering I grew up travelling. My parents took us on trips since I was very young, we would be gone for weeks a few times a year seeing new places and learning history of the world. Travelling is in my blood. I've lived in so many places like a travelling gypsie. I miss it, yet now I fear it for ridiculous reason. I don't even understand it.

When I go away I usually just feel nervous while driving or flying. If I stay with family I'm fine, but I cannot stay in a hotel. Maybe I feel too alone and isolated. I don't know. This has been this way the past three years and I wish it wasn't like this. I need better control over things like this. It's eating at me. It bothers me.

Jesse is so concerned because this is all now coming up when we want to get back into a travelling lifestyle. We want to go to Scotland soon, just the two of us. My family still travels everywhere on a regular basis and they are growing tired of me being afraid to leave my city. I'm growing tired of it.

I didn't think I would ever get such wierd trust issues. Most people don't trust people. I guess this city and my home is just my comfort zone.

I'll think about this later. I must get back to work then back into bed with Jesse. I'm wearing this shirt he wore to work today. I can smell his cologne and it's heavenly. It's making me feel sleepy and happy.