The kids are alseep and I'm home alone listening to Tori Amos, Rasputina and Natasha Atlas. I have candles lit around me and there is insence burning. I'm conjuring up some creative ideas while I make myself a mixed CD then I am going to retreat to my bedroom to begin some drawings.

I was out window shopping with Jesse today. I scoped out a book I want. This is it, so Jesse said he'll get it for one of my christmas presents. I am a Brian Froud fanatic. I love everything he's done, same with his wife Wendy Froud. Their world is very similar to the world I lived in as a child.

I've also decided to start weight training again. I love having muscles and right now there is some, but it's not very toned. When I was kickboxing I felt like I was all beefy or something and I used to be so insecure because of how my body was starting to take shape. I used to play sports all through high school as well, row and weight train. I could eat a large pizza on my own and not gain a single pound and now that I'm not doing much and haven't been to Meihua in a month I'm gaining weight.

Fuck, I seriously need to get off my ass. I know I'm busy with my art and trying to get everything done in time but I am starting to get carried away. I have went for maybe 3 walks in 4 weeks, I haven't went to Meihua recently or did any sort of work out. I've been eating a lot of not so good foods. I realized that my shopping trips completely changed when I went to pick up some m&m cookies and Alfredo sauce for supper. Mmm mmm...pure fat.

Everything used to be fruits and vegtables and whole grains. I think being couped up in my house has made me lose interest in a lot of things. It feels like nothing is going right and I told Jesse that I'm depressed and I'm at a point where I don't care to get past it. There is no modivation. I weighed myself and I gained 20 lbs since summer. That's a lot, I've only gained that much once in my life besides my pregnancies. I gained around 30 lbs in a month and lost it in another month and I blame that on falling in love. I was so in love when Jesse and I got our first place together I didn't even notice I gained so much weight until I went shopping. I went from a C to a D cup. I lost all the weight but kept the bra size, which I hate.

I noticed the attention I started getting after that. Jesse's friend was getting in trouble from his girlfriend about how he got caught checking out some girls chest, then he said something about how some girls are just so out there you can't not see them and used me for an example. I believe he said "like Nadine's new rack, you can't help but look" with Jesse replying "yeah, did you see those things?". I was a little offended by that seeing as I didn't like the new addition.

So, I decided I'm getting a breast reduction someday.

Oh how my topics change sometimes. I come on to get into my creativity and I end off talking about getting a breast reduction. That really wasn't on my mind and now I can't stop thinking about it.

Ugh.

Now I must change my mood by channeling up some completely different vibes.

Off to the sketch pad I go...