Damn. We moved the computer back upstairs due to the freezing cold temperatures downstairs and I just realized we have no speakers hooked up yet.

I NEED MUSIC!!!!!

I also changed my entire name. It's odd, but I'm happy with it. I'll reveal it all later when I put the link up for my site.

I had an episode on Saturday. My wisdom teeth were killing me and I got to thinking about surgery and how I really fucking hate surgery. I've had some bad experiences at the dentist and with surgery, plus it's really inconvenient to take time out of my busy schedule to heal and what not. I KNOW I can get past all this and find a way to get all four wisdom teeth pulled, but my fear is too strong as are all my fears. It's stupid really.

I fear a lot, as everyone who reads this probably knows by now. Sometimes I can just get through fine, other days it really gets on my nerves because it seems so simple to just take control of our own thoughts and actions, to not be ruled by simple thoughts because in the end that's all they are.

I always have these fears come up from situations from the past. I have a lot of trust issues from simple little experiences but it all comes down to this, I don't trust life at all.

Anyway, too much stupid thinking like that made me really frustrated. I felt hopeless and I cried and only cried a bit at first thinking it would be so much easier to just be dead then I wouldn't have to fight myself and reprogram my brain. That's when I really freaked out. I went downstairs where I could be alone because I needed to release. I cried and felt so stupid because since I was 17 I would have different things that happened, then I would have to get over it. Something else would come up and the same cycle would continue and that's a lot of wasted energy.

Do you want to know how bad it can get? Well I once choked and wouldn't swallow anything solid for months. I lost a lot of weight and was prescribed some "happy pills", which I never took because I wanted to overcome it myself. My mom calls it the feeling pending doom syndrome because it's like you fear the worst after a bad experience and you become so absorbed in it, you basically lose yourself everytime it happens.

My crying turned into me yelling for Jesse in the middle of me sobbing my head off, when he came down I was trying to tell him my feeling half yelling/sobbing. It's like I had to yell, talking quietly about this wasn't going to do it justice. He thinks that maybe I won't be able to keep from falling into this trap I set up for myself over and over again, so he thinks medication would be a good idea for my obsessive worrying.

A good thing is being creative every waking moment of my day is the only thing that calms my nerves, when i'm not being a creative person, the shit really hits the fan.

Jesse was great though, he had my spirits lifted in no time and he held me and made me laugh until I fell asleep. Although I woke two hours later with the aching teeth again, so I sat up for three hours. Two of those hours was me just sitting on my bed playing with things around my room until I finally realized painkillers would be a good idea, somehow I forgot those even exsisted. Once those kicked in I fell asleep again.

Words just can't describe how much I love him or express my gratitude.

Beautiful night.