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It's all inside my head
5:55 p.m. Oct. 16, 2003
The current mood of burntautumn@accesscomm.ca at www.imood.com


Sacrifices. Everyone makes them to achieve good in their life. I have made so many in my life and I'm willing to make more if I have to.

It would be so nice to have things go my way all the time, but they just simply can't. Too much thinking and searching causes so much confusion, I always fall back in that pattern and I always have to keep reminding myself to do what makes me happy, pick a goal and then use my will and desire to achieve it. I have this bad habit of thinking too much of the way things should be instead of embracing the good things that are put in my way, to love selflessly and focus on the moment and to just take everything in strides. It's like I knowingly destroy my smooth ride and wonder why things are working out the way they are in the end.

It's silly really, how I always lead myself off the path, get lost, complain how unfair it is, then get back on it, feeling foolish afterwards. I mean life deals me enough unfairness, why should I burden myself some more.

I was talking about all this with Jesse last night. I feel like I am sometimes exactly in the same place I was six years ago. I wasn't getting it because I thought I made so many sacrifices, yet it wasn't doing anything because I fear the same exact shit I did back then, I overcame nothing.

Fears, insecurities, they play such a big role in everything. I'm fed up, it's time to move past it all. I did a lot of looking back and it did some good, I seen things so much clearer as I always tend to.

I don't have trouble falling asleep anymore. I was an insomniac for most of my life and I feel since beginning Meihua and working on these "fears" I have just felt more relaxed and aware of myself and all the decisions I make. It feels good, it really does.

I am good at starting projects and I'm really not the greatest at keeping them going. I fear success like you wouldn't believe and it's all because of issues that I have with privacy. I've been stalked before and that is one of the strongest negatives that I have ever went through in my life because I don't want people to know me, or know specific details about my life, I'm so keen on my boundaries. When I am writing and working on a story I kind of start making excuses on why I can't finish, so now i'm just going to finish and work in the moment and not cloud my head with the obsessive worrying that I do.

I used to worry about how I was going to stop worrying, that's how bad I can be with it.

It's kind of funny to think about.

Anyway, I have much work to do.

Beautiful night.





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Small update, very small. - Nov. 21, 2005
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