After writing in my locked diary today it took a lot to come and write again. I've been in a mood and i've been trying to change that all day. I couldn't even express everything there anyway.

I've been listening to heavy dark angry chick music all evening. It's soothing and familiar to my emotions. I just don't want to express myself today, I want to busy myself and push obsessive thoughts behind me.

I did have a wonderful day besides certian things that came up.

I had a wonderful night with Jesse. We hung out for once and enjoyed the time together like friends again. We went for a nice walk in the cold night. I think the temperature was at 0'C. We got home and decided to get some alcohol and we only had a little bit, I had one drink in total. We sat around and laughed and talked and played. Somehow it felt so brand new last night. I fell asleep with him and feeling his warm breath on me while he hugged me was just too perfect.

I woke up at noon by a phone call. My brother and his fiance planned a picnic with us and the kids. So they stopped by and we made lunch and headed off to a near by park. We spent the afternoon there and it was really nice. The weather was absolutely beautiful.

I went to my mom's this evening with my sister and we sat around and talked about some family issues. There are some deep wounds there for me, I am at a point where I still have a deep hate for my dad's family. It practically makes me sick when I think of them. I haven't had anything to do with them for years and I don't plan to ever again but after hearing about my cousins death it was just bound to come up again.

I asked myself if I would be strong enough to stand up against them, I tried once and almost lost myself. I became so fearful that I became co-dependant on people, I still have issues with being alone.

I know i'm being vague but it's a tough subject to get into still.

I was painting a little while ago, then I felt this urge to hold a baby again, which was so strange. I mean I had enough wacked emotions I went through today, but baby fever?

Maybe I'm going to get my cursed monthly period. I hope so, it would sure explain a lot.

Beautiful night.