Not much happening to me latey, running around in my own little world, causing a dizzy and unfocused view on things.

I cried last night. I tried to talk to Jesse but it ended up in a big heated arguement. I was yelling like I was trying to murder someone with my voice. My voice is powerful, strong and intimidating. I use it to release, to feel some sort of peace after the storms I put myself through.

I sat on the chair, heart racing, face hot from tears. I could feel the ball of fire in my stomack, pounding, making me shake with restlessness. I could have screamed, but no, I just yelled and sobbed. I felt as though there was no fork in the road, I felt there was only a dead end.

I cried and cried. I lay in bed and I'm not sure if I was just so exhausted but I had the worst case of sleeplessness for an hour. Tossing and turning, shivering because my body could not warm itself. I was just so tired. I couldn't think, I just tried to fight off the after effects of the night. It took a while, but it worked.

This morning my body was like a stone, nothing could wake me. I was sick, crying and in need of more sleep, so I slept some more, I slept into the afternoon and had to snap myself out of whatever I was feeling.

I feel so trapped right now. I can't deal with the simplest things, everything just pushes me over the edge. I want to release, in the most gentle way possible, but it's not enough. I need aggression. I need to use my voice.

I finished two paintings. I wrote every thought down on paper and stared at the trees. I spent a lot of time feeling ill, ill from my own blocked emotions, that are now flowing like a reckless river, currents so strong it's overwhelming.

I need to be on my own.

I need to get over my fears.

I want to grasp onto everything beautiful in these moments, like a dangling rope hanging like a whisper telling me I have just a little further to go. That the dreams will come and everything will settle into place.