*If you want to read my other diary email me or something, there are things there that I do not want my close friends and family reading*

Hearing: Paradise Lost - Take Me Down

I'm feeling much better today, although I am a little tired. I went to bed pretty late because I was up all night talking with Jesse. We had a lot of things to work out and we accomplished a lot, even though we both had to suffer today from the lack of sleep.

I'm still mad at him for lying. I just can't stand being lied to.

We both agreed that I need time apart from him for now. All my feelings for him are the same, I just need to explore myself and the world on my own. I also want him to go out and have his own fun in the process, explore whatever he possibly can.

I'm a free spirit and I like to do things that are not considered normal. I think the ultimate relationships are those where you are best friends first, you can say anything too, without having to feel scared or insecure about what a person says. I should be able to treat him like anyone else that I am close to and I expect him to do the same. I want to hear about the woman at work he is attracted to, I want to hear his thoughts and the words he uses to explain everything. I like having that kind of a bond with him.

Secondly I think people need to be sure of themselves and know what they want and be able to accept and completely accept the other person for who they are, if you can't then fine, it's not going to work.

Third, I think there has to be that eternal love thing happening, like it doesn't matter what may come, you just know your heart will only truely be in one place forever. I know this is us, this is exactly how we feel. I believe in fate and I trust my own life path enough to not fear really losing him. As long as he remains a best friend even, I will be happy.

Just knowing this in my heart makes me smile. Sometimes he says things that are obvious about his fears, like he still gets worried that I will never feel the same about him. I just tell him how wrong he is, he has no clue how I feel about him, but I will always tell him, I will always let him know. I will always ask him why he is afraid and do what I can to help him overcome it. There is just nothing to fear.

Anyway, back to my needing time to myself. I have been having such strong urges to be alone. I just need a change of pace for a while, something that will stimulate my mind and senses in a whole new way.

I'm a very curious person. I think it comes from being an artist. I want to experience everything and get my own take on things. I can't just sit back and wonder what things will be like for the rest of my life. I've tried that, and it drove me crazy several times.

Feeling and experience in life comes first on my list, even before I think about what I want to do in life. I need to get my inspiration from somewhere because I need to be inspired, I need to explore.

If I can't do that, I will wither.