I don't know what to say right now. I had a intense night. Everything just seemed to far away, yet so close, like I couldn't win no matter what I tried to do.

I'm going through a lot within myself. I'm growing and i'm no longer the same person that I used to be.

My sister is moving out at the end of the month, I will now have my art studio, huge space to make my own. Jesse thinks it will be my salvation.

Maybe so.

I watched Narc, which is a pretty good movie...not exactly what I thought it was going to be but good.

So, I talked with Jesse all night. My feelings were so stong and so broken. I feel tormented by my own thoughts sometimes. I feel sad and depressed and I don't get why. I think when i'm confused I get depressed. I don't get your average depression, I get confused about something and it just makes me all frustrated, and that's my depression.

I am slowly figuring things out for myself, things that have been bothering me about my past. I'm not perfect, I have some issues. Sometimes I feel I should just take some medication and get on with it, but then I wouldn't really fix my problem. I want to fix myself within so badly so that if I was to ever to be stripped of everything and had no dependancies I would be okay, it's like a must for me. I can't ignore things, which Jesse finds annoying because i'm always dealing with something, but you know, it makes me a wiser person in the end.

It'll make me humble and at peace with the world, which is far from what I am right now. I have had some injustices done to me and it still effects me. I've been violated and used and I may feel i've gotten over it, but then I 'll have an odd angry response out of the blue.

To this day I still have trouble battling fears, no matter how small, I still feel scared of stupid shit. I don't like feeling abnormal inside my body, I don't like feeling foriegn substances. I grasp onto reality because I can control it. Not all the time, but more than I should be. I would make one hell of a dominatrix.

Well I just want to submit for once. I want to battle fears because really, my fears are quite silly. I am deathly afraid of the dentist, i've contemplated suicide when i've had appointment. Silly, yes, but I hate uncomfotable sitations like you would not believe.

I really hate crowded places, I hate being in vehicles and in air planes. I have flown three or four times, yet I was so stricken with anxiety that when I walked off the plan I was tense and exhuasted from the whole ordeal that I wasn't left with any energy. Not good.

I think i'm just starting to let my fears overcome my life. I get sick still and I had some pretty bad instances so I stopped going out because of my fear to have them happen again. I was out this weekend and feeling scared at some points, feeling so paranoid and on gaurd at all moments.

Again, more tension.

I feel this past year has been insane. Ever since that surgery I have been a mess. I don't even know how I let it get this far.

I was offered two trips and turned them down because of my thinking about "what if's". I was never like this. Last summer I was going on long trips and I was out all night, I was living.

This year, I live for my art. I am starting to feel better, yet i'm still weary, still paranoid and it's getting rediculous.

It's time to submit to trust from the world. I can trust people, I just have trouble trusting everything else.