I can finally type and entry. Took long enough.

Luckily I have a deadjournal as well.

You know what is really wierd. I woke up feeling great this morning. I was happy and I thought things were finally turning around and starting to imporve. I made a bunch of plans and got dressed and ready. I hate lunch then went and sat outside to play with my daughter. Suddenly the pain in my stomack started up and I just felt nausiated. My heart started to race and I think I experienced my worst episode yet. Everything came out of me. EVERYTHING!

I can't take this anymore. I feel fine now, but I still feel kind of queezy when I eat or drink something.

My next test isn't until the end of September and I don't know if I can wait that long without knowing anything. I'm being tested for cancer and I've already had cancer before( successfully treated). I've been though too fucking much. If it's not one thing then it's another. Something always pops up on me. Like come on, I believe things are caused my negativity, but I'm not exactly a negative person anymore, I have too much that means so much to me and I work hard within to make sure I can do my job in life. I've been through a lot emotionally, but I dont know what to do anymore.

I don't leave my house anymore. I'm serious. I get sick everywhere. I will only go to my doctor's appointments and those aren't fun either. The last time I went in I felt so sick and spent the entire wait in the bathroom, cold and sick.

It must be going on three weeks now. I go for walks and that's it. I'm scared. I sit on my couch during the day when I finally get a break and just stare out at the world, trying to not think of things that I should be doing out there. I hate me. I hate me for not being able to figure this out. All this confusion and frustration has made me so afraid to even try go anywhere. I now fear the world because whatever is wrong with me is really screwing me up.

My mom thinks it's all stress and keeps telling me to get out. She took me out a few times and has seen me sick and I just want to yell at her and say "see, it's not all in my head."

I've gotten rid of stress, I'm a stay at home mom(which I love) and I have my art here, i'm happy, there is no stress here. Stress isn't a factor.

I called my surgeon even to tell him that since I had my gallbladder removed i've been worse off. All the doctors say there shouldn't be any problems because it's very uncommon. I think like 1% have troubles after and well, I just happen to fall into that category. I was severly amemic after that surgery and it took a few months to get back to normal, but now this.

I was looking forward to being able to feel well again after my surgery and I even thought well I have more to deal with within because obviously this isn't working, I'm still getting sick, but when I think of it, there isn't really anything that should be effecting me this serious.

I'm cursed I tell you, or so I feel.

I have no idea what Jesse feels about this anymore. Sometimes I think he's sick of dealing with me. He said that when we met I was so sick and has never really seen me really well.

He dealt with my gallstone attacks from the day we met, then went through the cancer episode with me. I felt fine for a little while, I was even alright during my pregnancies, aside from the morning sickness and short periods of anemia at the beginning, it was okay. I was even fine after I had my son. I was sceduled for surgery when he was five months and since then it's just been a rollercoaster ride for me. My son is now 14 months old so that's been quite a while now.

I'm just so scared now.