Deadboy and the Elephantmen - Barefoot in the Dark

I'm still unsure about this layout, mainly the image at the top of this page.

I finished my painting of my mysterious Mister. He is now drying since he was painted in oils. I have been working on that piece since Christmas. I now plan to begin a new piece after the weekend.

I am leaving Friday with my mom and I won't be back until Sunday. It will just be the two of us and i'm quite nervous about Jesse being home alone with the kids. He hasn't been alone with them yet and he hasn't been alone with them more than a few hours. He will have his hands full and i'll probably be calling home a few times a day.

I have been needing a holiday to myself for quite a while now. It's long overdue. I will be with my mom of course and I cannot think of anyone better to be spending all that time with. I know Jesse would have wanted to come along, even though he is bad at directions and we aruge a lot of the time. It's just that I want my mom to be there, she's does more for me than Jesse does, which is mostly just hearing what I have to say. She gives advice and she is highly knowledgeable and to add to that, she is not like a mother at all.

I almost ended things with Jesse, but took some time to think and talk things through with him. I had a lot of thinking to do within myself also.

I know I love him, even if I don't feel in love with him. I know that I never had any time to myself in the beginning of our relationship at all and my mom said that I should have really taken things so much slower that I did with Jesse.

I did try. I really did. He lived alone, I lived with my brother and I was happy with it that way. We got plenty of alone time, time with each other and time with friends, plus we loved one another very much. It was perfect. I went to stay with my dad for a while in the summer and loved it so much that I wanted to live with him. I thought maybe I would have to break it off with Jesse, then he wanted to come. He did and moved in.

Things changed from there. I just hated him being there all the time, I didn't have my friends anymore and even when we moved back I didn't really have them. I was bitter and alone. Jesse couldn't replace everyone or my family and I hated him for it because I wanted him to and sometimes I still try make him fill in those gaps.

Today I still don't know if I'm over that bitterness. I feel so trapped all the time and yes, I feel I could use time apart from him and I don't know for how long either.

I don't have any doubts about being a mother at all. I'm so happy to be a mom.

I just know that in my own personal life I need to move on. A lot of things are long overdue for me. It all makes my head hurt thinking about it really, yet I know I will just take it all in a little bit at a time.

Everyone can see it. I look happy when i'm with my kids, then when I'm alone or with Jesse, I'm just not. I seem to take up so much energy forcing out smiles and trying to really get involved with things going on at the time. Not everything is misery with Jesse, we have good times, it's just that we have an ongoing problem from the day we moved in that just don't go away.

I don't really have anyone left besides family. I was talking to my aunt and she said that friends come into our life when we need them and I wondered why mine all left and no one new seems to be coming into my life either. I thought about it and came to the same conclusion, that I desperately need time just to myself. It's like everything is screaming this at me, "fix yourself first, then make time for others."

I'm now on a mission.

I've been doing a lot of thinking today, listening to A Perfect Circle and Deadboy and the Elephantmen. Music helps me to just not think of anything but to just experience some of the beauty in the world.