Tomorrow I go in to see the dentist. I am so scared right now, I feel like ripping all of my nails out of my fingers. I hate the dentist. I am dreading it so much, I almost want to cry, seriously. I think it was the root canal I had a few years ago that did it for me.

We turned the spare room into Jesse's home office now. It WAS supposed to be my mini art studio, but since I never get to paint ever, I figured he could put this room to better use. It's nice in here, there are sliding glass doors to the patio and well that's the main reason I wanted this room. Oh well.

Lately I feel like complete shit. I can't write, I can't draw or do anything creative and everytime I try to do anything slightly strenuous, I get gallstone pain. I can't wait for my surgery next week, i'm getting so fed up with not being able to do anything. I went shopping with my sister a few days ago and all the walking was causing me great pain in my right side, I couldn't really have fun. This week has also been so stressful. I was so frustrated today that I threw a few things in my room and cried. After that I layed in the darkness listening to my headphones until I fell asleep.

I woke up and tried to clean up a bit, then I got another attack, so I layed on the couch and cried some more(hey, i'm not normally this big of a suck, but it's really getting to me). Jesse rubbed my back and tried to comfort me, but it didn't help. I've felt so nausiated since, I've had this since I was 17 and I am no where near being used to this.

I spent a lot of time laying in bed, listening to music, dreaming and making up stories. I know now what I want to write a novel on. Usually I jump from topic to topic, that I never really finish anything, I have some completed works, but most of everything just kind of stopped right in the middle of something important because I lose my train of thought so easily with too many ideas, and now finally, I have the will to finish something because it's the only thing that's been running through my head for such a long time. This excites me greatly.

I'm trying to not let things get to me so much, but it always creeps up on me and sometimes I swear i'm going to just blow up. It's non stop bickering with Jesse, we havn't slept in the same bed for a while, we do still have sex though, we just don't really stay much closer than that these days.

I just feel so sad lately, and angry at the odd moment. Ugh.

Anyway, I should try to get some sleep before my appointment tomorrow.