Deadboy - Strange Television

My dad, sister and brother all left back to Edmonton today. It's wierd having nobody here except us, my little family. The house was quiet and half the house is dark and empty. It's kind of nice. We had birthday cake for breakfast, since it is my dad's birthday today. He's young, 43. Most parents I know with kids my age are all over 45.

I went to Toys r' us today and exchanged a gift my mom bought for Gian. She accidently bought a rocker instead of one of those vibrating chairs with the lights and music on it, so I had to go do the exchanging for her. While I was there, I bought a few outfits for Gian and some plastic jewelery for Ailah. My mom had also already bought things for Ailah, but I couldn't resist.

We also stopped at the hardware store and bought some sandpaper so we can get to work on refinishing that wood table my mom gave me. That table is so old, it's been in the family since I was just a wee girl, and it's in perfect shape except for some scratches on the top and the sides are rubbed off.

I was out driving all alone tonight. I blasted music and sang very loud. I screamed my heart out and cried to my favorite song. I turned off the music and made up my own music, then I went to my sister's to hang out for a while.

I wrote when I got home. I havn't gotten any time to paint yet. I need more free time. I don't know what to do with this big painting I have. I don't want it.

My day has been quite mellow. I really just want to go to bed early. I don't want to read, I don't want to write. I just want Jesse to kiss every inch of my body and caress my back as my drift off into my dream filled head. I love to dream. I love laying in the darkness, hearing my music and feeling his skin on mine, talking quietly about my fantasies, my desires, then slowly passing out like my body is being drugged.

I wish I could sleep in a tub of constant warm water, to feel like I am back in the womb, a safe place, a dark place. Clean, pure thoughts. Simplicity.

I think I will go and fall asleep to my music, my Jesse.

Beautiful night.