Tori Amos - Butterfly

I sit here, shaking and scared, waiting and contemplating.

Jesse and Ailah went to the hospital. Something is wrong with Ailah. I don't know what yet, so i'm waiting for Jesse to call me. I can't take this, I wish I could go, but I have Gian here and I can't leave yet to be with her.

Last night, she did have a fall outside. Jesse was getting a kitten for her in the yard and she fell, scraping her forhead and nose. After that, she was more calm than usual, she even went to bed without any whining.

I did have a bad feeling before I went to bed. I could not sleep, so I read a book by Francesca Lia Block and made plan to make some black feathered angel wings, and to make Ailah a matching pair. That was my thought as I finally drifted off to sleep at 3am.

At 5 am, she woke us up crying. She was fevered, so we took her temperature, gave her lots of cold water, tylenol and let her lay with Jesse in the living room. He took over monitoring her while she went back to sleep so I could stay in the room with Gian. Finally at 9:30am, Jesse came running in the room with Ailah, she was convulsing and burning up so high, she was sweating.

I grabbed some cold clothes in a panic. Her eyes were faded looking, looking off into nothing as her body twitched in Jesse's arms. While they were sleeping her temperature must have shot up high because that is what woke him up. He called an ambulance and they got here immediately, checked her out and took her in right away.

That was an hour ago. I'm going crazy waiting for him to call. I got myself ready fast, just incase. I have everything ready for when Gian finally wakes up. I am so tired, but I can't go back to sleep. I'm trying to pass time as best and as calm as I can.

I don't think that I am overreacting in any way. I'm scared because she has no signs of being sick, or getting sick in any way. This did happen to me when I was a few months older than her. My mom said I fainted, started convulsing and was taken into the hospital. Only I had an internal fever and was thrown on an ice bed and ended up with some kind of rare sickness. I don't want anything like this to happen to her at all.

I feel numb, like I can't speak or move properly. I feel drunk. My mind is racing, but my body isn't reacting to what I want to do.