I seriously feel wierd tonight.

I feel so alone.

I want to scream my fucking head off.

I used to scream all the time. I would be sitting at home with my family and give them a quick warning to cover their ears, then I would scream as loud as I could, feeling so much better after.

Of course I can't do that now, I have children in the house. I screamed my head off through my labour pain with Gian and scared Ailah pretty bad. She didn't understand. She just kept crying like she though I was dying a painful death.

I'm frustrated.

I honestly feel like cutting myself again. I havn't cut myself for 3 years now. The last time I did it, Jesse freaked on me. To try prove how much he hates it when I hurt myself, he started popping pills until I stopped. When I stopped, he ran to the bathroom and gagged himself until it was all out of him. That freaked me out.

I have scars on my arms, most of them are just below my tatoo and on the top of my hand by my thumb. I have some on my right wrist and my right leg. They're very noticeble. I would cut them deep enough for stitches.

There is just something about cutting that I still long to feel. I know it's not healthy, but it was such a big part of my life in highschool, just as much as it was for everyone to go out and party. I was at home, angry, sad and hurting. I would cut and my mind would just lose all those feelings and thoughts and I would escape into a numb world because my only focus would be the stinging cuts and the dark red blood dripping down my arm.

Lately, it's been like this. I just wish I could do it, but I don't. Maybe this will all pass soon.

I cried tonight and I still feel like crying. I feel so scared, so alone.

Jesse brought me home a single red rose today. He's so sweet. If I hadn't met him, I don't know what life would have been like. I do know, being bi-sexual, that I was just deciding to drop guys for good, they were doing nothing for me. He still teases me, saying he was able to win me over girls. This weekend he's taking me shopping for sex toys.

This is a time, that I just want to hold onto him and have him around me all the time. Although it's not possible. He's gone from early until around supper. He's the only person I have around me. I have friends, but they're so busy it's hard to even see them once a week, if even for an hour. My sisters and mother live hours away. It's just getting to me. I live in my world, my own maddening thoughts. I need a break. I need anything right now. I don't want to cry.