Hearing: Into Eternity

I did not do much today. I painted a bit and watched Bowling for Columbine on DVD.

I didn't mail my paintings yet, I'm doing that tomorrow because I couldn't decide which paintings to send away.

I have four paintings to complete this week and I don't know if I can do it, I just can't seem to sit still lately. I leave the house as much as possible and try keep busy when I am at home. I do take a few minutes of calmness when the kids are actually calm, but I'm not minding their busy-body nature lately.

I was up until 4 am last night working on my new website. I probably would have gotten a lot further if Jesse was here to help me but he was at his friend's all night. I had to keep calling his cell for help and that didn't get me very far.

We have not been saying too much to each other lately, but physically things are still good. Actually it's beyond good, it's heaven. He could do anything to me and I would feel so much emotion and pleasure, then the greatest feeling of solitude. I don't know if I could handle not being able to have sex with him, it's depressing to just think about it.

It's so complicating.

The last time Jesse and I were separated I had a friend that I started dating. I loved him in a different kind of way and had a really great bond with this guy, but I couldn't click with him physically. I ended up being a bad girl and near the end I could have had it the way I wanted because they both offered me two separate things perfectly. I guess I kind of want something like that, the different kinds of love.

That situation ended up so harshly though. I wrote about it in this diary when I was going through all of it, but deleted everything about it. I just took certain sentences out of the entries. I shouldn't have, but I wasn't sure if the other guy was still reading and I didn't want him to read what we had. It seems odd, but I still don't know if he reads this. It was just good at first but as it went on it got so bad that I don't care to have the memories.

My brother is going to let me use all his sound equiptment so I can practice my singing. I'm also thinking of getting a new guitar and just practicing with it because I find it so muche easier to work on songs with one, then without. I want my own personal space downstairs to do music. I'm just glad I have my brother helping me out because he's done gigs for so many years, made an album and all that other musical stuff. I'm so relieved he moved to the city.

Anyway. I'm off to bed.

Beautiful night.